Got sick. Realised it at work, now I am sitting in a small conference room annoyed. Taking the time to just be annoyed, guilt trip. This feeling of shame comes back every time I experience any weakness. How could I let myself get sick? In the middle of such an important and fast-paced project as well…I try to be funny but it’s actually serious. I’m now in the sprint, if I get out of this wagon, it will go on without me and then will ever I catch up? I don’t think so. I can’t let myself lose this. It would be totally toxic to ignore how my body is breaking down though . I keep sneezing at my desk. So awkward. So I moved some meetings around, hid in this conference room, curtains are drawn to the their full potential. My supervisor wants me to work from home. Thank god she’s Russian and didn’t even suggest sick leave. I better just resign and move away then take a sick leave now for reasons mentioned above of course. Do I wanna just lie down and a couch potato? Truthfully, no. I wanna work. I do love it. But this could be a scream for help. Maybe I’m doing too much and my body is tired. But also I don’t really do a lot. I read recently how Parmentel described Didion’s work ethic and it made feel so bad about having a healthy work-life balance. I should be working 28 hours a day…I really should. Or is it not about the quantity of your hours but rather how you spend them? I can be productive in a short day as well. really the question is: who am I as a person? Because if I am hardworking and passionate, it’s not about the hours. If I don’t believe in this virtue of mine tho, rules have to applied. Dome of my teachers and other adults only life have told me that I am lazy. They fed me this narrative whenever I would try to set up boundaries. But then I realised that I just don’t want to do some things. But when I find something truly mine — it comes easy. I just work. I pour my all into it. I know I am that kind of person. When I get sick, then not so sure anymore. For some reason being sick makes me feel guilty and lazy again. All that trauma…
entry #3
13/07/26
