Ever since I lost her, a part of me died. I felt it almost physically, like someone got into my body and took out an organ. Or at least a huge chunk of it. I could never handle losing those who I love or thought I loved. Breaking up was always hard no matter how much I hated the person. So knowing this, grief obviously scared the shit out of me. The day it hit, I never felt the same. And never will. I am a different person. Now I can be depressed, have thoughts about ending my own existence. Recently though I was honest with myself, while having one of those internal conversations that hit you like a snowball. I was honest because I know that I was having these thoughts before. I always had a choice, when my life was be at the crossroads I would have two options: fight for my freedom or die trying. Never will I just exist. If I am doing this life, it’s gonna happen on my terms. But I am also too stubborn to lose to anyone. My competitive nature and arrogance would save me often. However I couldn’t turn to that arrogance when she died. So I just keep living in the loop of the same emotional cycle. I hurt. I try not to. I kept shoving those emotions under my skin. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a support system. I talk to people closest to me. But there are things so achingly deep, it’s too hard to verbalise them. It almost feels like I’m bleeding from the inside and it makes my mouth so numb, I’m unable to speak so the only choice I have is to slowly wither away.
This is how I got depressive. This is how I got to the point where I wake up under water and fall asleep jumping right into it again. It’s hard to keep up with my annoying little habits. And this is the biggest indicator that I’m not well. I lost my crazy. I found emptiness instead. Numbness. I’m tired of being this way, of hitting the wall and keeping a smile on for everyone outside of my hell. I truly feel lost. Not even in pain, but just so stuck and confused. Almost a shadow of myself. Maybe this is all a dream? I wish it was. I wish I could wake up and she would be there, breathing gently, barely moving. I wish I could see her long beautiful eyelashes again. Take her in my arms, feel her presence. If I could have it for just one more day, or one more second… But I never will. Why do I have to make amends with that? Accept it somehow. How do I move on when the only thing I have left of her is the pain itself?